In a month dedicated to gratitude, we speak with former fellows Lisa, Ties, Tessa and Sil about the gifts that recovery has brought them. Whereas the holiday season used to revolve mainly around loneliness and substance use, all four fellows now look forward to a time filled with connection and togetherness with loved ones.
“When I was with family during the holiday season, I always wanted to leave as quickly as possible so I could use. I manipulated everything just to be able to stay at home, or to sneak off for a walk and use secretly when we were visiting someone. New Year’s Eve, in particular, was a full-on using binge for me. Now I really look forward to the holidays. I go to special meetings over Christmas and New Year, and most importantly, I no longer feel alone. I am surrounded by people who truly understand me, who understand how I am and what I struggle with. My group of friends is aware of my situation, and they all take it into account. I no longer approach these days with anxiety, because I have already experienced all the holidays clean once before. In my recovery, I have received many beautiful gifts, but the most important one is that I can now be there for myself — and therefore also for others. Before, my life revolved around using, misery, and darkness. Now it is joyful and colourful. I am genuinely happy, and I have never felt this way before.” What Sil wants to pass on to fellows who find the festive season difficult is this: make phone calls, go to meetings, and stay connected. “Speak up about whatever you are feeling — that is truly my most important advice. You’ll never walk alone.”
“I kept my addiction very well hidden from my parents. During the festive season I always had birthdays, but I tried to escape them by going to work or using with friends. That way I could flee from my sense of loneliness, even though I was surrounded by people. There was a warm, festive Christmas atmosphere, but I felt different from everyone else. Since I have been clean for a year, I no longer look towards the festive season with tension, fear or cravings. What helps me is knowing that I have already experienced everything once while sober — from my birthday and the summer holidays to King’s Day and Christmas. I can’t make excuses or come up with justifications anymore, because I have already proven that I can do it. The most beautiful gift recovery has given me is that I have been able to build a relationship with my mother based on openness and honesty. I have finally found the motivation to keep living. I now find happiness within myself again, instead of in someone else.” What suggestions would Tessa like to share with fellows this month? “Call other fellows. I really dislike making phone calls, but what is worse? My entire life is falling apart because I’ve relapsed, or making one single phone call? For me, that choice is very easy. Talk to the people you are spending the festive season with about your situation and the things you find difficult. They don’t need to watch you constantly, but they can be there for you.”
“I used to spend the holiday season with my family, where they were mostly having a lovely time together. I didn’t feel comfortable myself; I noticed that I withdrew a lot and shut myself off. In the back of my mind, I was always thinking about when I could smoke weed or play games again. When we were somewhere else for Christmas, I was always manipulating things so I could get back home. There is drinking in my family, so I would often join in as a substitute for my main substance. Now, I am really looking forward to the holiday season. I can be present in the moment and enjoy time with my family. I no longer need to shut myself off, and I also notice that I judge less. The most beautiful gift I have received in recovery is self-acceptance and self-love. During my addiction, I neglected myself quite badly — I rarely showered, didn’t go to the barber, and was mainly focused on my addiction and isolating myself. What matters most to me now is being there for others, living in the moment, and enjoying the small things. By doing so, I also bring more peace of mind to my parents and those around me, as they used to worry about me a great deal. These days, it’s no longer just about me.”
“I always found it very difficult to be present with my family, not only during the festive season. I was constantly on my phone, making plans with friends about where we would meet up to drink. My focus was entirely on alcohol and parties, and I didn’t stop to think about what this was doing to my family. Looking back now, I was often quite unkind to the people closest to me. This year, I am truly present with my family, and I am going to enjoy every moment I spend with them. I am deeply grateful to be living in the present, and to genuinely feel so much love for my family and the friends around me. Before, only alcohol mattered to me — my appearance and what other people thought of me. Now I see that none of that is really important. My loved ones understand me, and I understand them. I am incredibly happy to have my life back and to be there for them again. The most beautiful gift I have received in recovery is peace, acceptance, and connection. I can accept that not everything goes perfectly straight away, and I can certainly be proud of myself. In the past, I had no real contact with the people around me, and anything but a connection with myself. Now I am having deep conversations again and understanding myself a little better each day. I never expected to be able to feel this much love for myself and for the people around me again.” What Lisa wants to pass on to fellows is to stay connected. “Going to meetings keeps me clean. I understand that sometimes you don’t feel like it, but what is an hour and a half of your time? Afterwards, you feel so much calmer in your body. You can speak up and share without people judging you. The more often you go to meetings, the more the people there start to feel like family. In the clinic, I often heard the phrase ‘just for today’. I hated it and didn’t understand it. But now I tell myself every day, ‘today I will not drink or use’, and that has truly carried me through.”
