For years, former fellow Jelmer lived behind a mask. To the outside world, he appeared as the funny, cheerful guy. But deep down, he felt lonely, afraid and misunderstood. At Yes We Can, he learned to accept himself. “I’m not perfect, because I’m human. But because I’m human, I am perfect.”
When Jelmer started secondary school, he entered ‘the big, bad world’. Everything was new, he didn’t know anyone and he felt scared. It led to him crying every day, either on his bike to school or in the classroom. “I became an easy target for bullying. Because of that, I dropped from VWO to HAVO. That’s when I decided I had to completely change, because I never wanted to be bullied again. I started pretending to be someone I wasn’t and became the class clown. I was always cracking jokes and tried to be everyone’s friend. Deep down, I completely lost myself. I did everything for others, just so they would like me. Even in the years that followed, I kept showing socially desirable behaviour.”
At the age of sixteen, Jelmer first came into contact with drugs. He started smoking weed with his friends. “I quickly realised that all my insecurities and negative thoughts disappeared when I smoked. I went from two joints a week to two a day in no time. Then COVID came, a time when I was home all day, constantly smoking and gaming. I had no school, no job and spent the entire day in my room. My sleep schedule was completely reversed. I saw my friends less and less and isolated myself behind my computer with a joint. In truth, I felt incredibly lonely.”
Even in the years that followed, Jelmer continued to spend his days alone in his room. Until one day, his parents reached their limit and signed him up for Yes We Can. “I had reached the point where I just wanted to keep smoking weed until I died. I didn’t see the point in living anymore. In the end, I decided to give Yes We Can one last try. If it worked, great. If not, then I would die anyway. I had nothing left to lose. So I arrived there thinking that they’re going to fix me. That’s been a bit of a recurring theme in my life, expecting others to fix things for me, while at the same time insisting on doing everything on my own.”
“I didn’t want to end up in the place I came from, that’s when I realised I really had to put in the work.”
In the first weeks of his treatment, Jelmer instinctively took on the role of caretaker. “I acted like a superhero and wanted to help everyone else. They were crying and struggling, but not me. I told everyone I was fine, but my therapist and counsellor quickly saw right through that. That’s when the first tears came. For a long time, I insisted I wasn’t addicted and that there was nothing wrong with me. On my birthday, my counsellor gave me a letter. I wasn’t allowed to speak because, in their words, ‘too much nonsense came out of my mouth’. I hated having to spend my birthday in silence, but in hindsight, it was the best birthday gift I’ve ever received. That was the moment I realised that if I didn’t change, if I kept going like this, I’d spend the rest of my life in isolation. That’s when I realised I really had to put in the work. Otherwise, I’d end up right back where I started. And that was the one thing I never wanted. That moment was a few years ago now, and not a single day goes by that I don’t work on myself and my recovery.”
Since his time at Yes We Can, Jelmer’s life has completely transformed. “I’m so grateful for everything I’ve regained. I have a family I love deeply, a great new job and I’m about to start a new course. I used to constantly feel misunderstood, but thanks to the meetings with other fellows, I feel heard and never alone again. That’s my biggest motivation to stay in recovery. If I relapse, I’ll go straight back to where I came from. And everything I’ve built over the past few years, it will all be gone in a second.”
“I used to constantly feel misunderstood, but thanks to the other fellows, I feel heard and never alone again.”
Jelmer is now the chair of a Yes We Can Meeting. These self-help groups are created for and by fellows. “Since leaving the clinic, I’ve made it a habit to attend a Yes We Can Meeting every single week. It’s a place where I can pass on what I learned during my time at Yes We Can. For many fellows who’ve just left the clinic, it’s hard to readjust to the outside world, because while you’re in treatment, the outside world keeps moving. It gives me a lot of fulfilment to support and motivate fellows during that phase.”
What message does Jelmer have for fellows in early recovery? “Take it easy in the beginning and take good care of yourself. Start to feel again. It’s something I still struggle with at times, but I do it. That’s recovery and that’s the path you have to walk to become human again. I always felt unheard and unseen when I was younger. With what I know now, I wish I’d truly listened to myself back then. I wish I’d known I could just be myself, without anyone telling me what I could or couldn’t do. That’s why it means so much to me to now use my experience to help others.”
Despite the big steps he’s taken, Jelmer still has dreams for the future. “One day, I’d love to be 100% happy with myself, that’s something I’ll always keep searching for. I’m constantly learning new things about myself and that helps me to keep growing. I’ve created a mantra that really grounds me: ‘I’m not perfect, because I’m human. But because I’m human, I am perfect.’ It’s something I often say to myself, just to remind me that I don’t have to be perfect.”
