To the outside world, everything seemed to be in place: former fellow Fleur went to school, got good grades, and had a part-time job. But on the inside, she felt alone, could no longer find happiness in things, and saw no future for herself. “I was only focused on not disappointing other people. As long as they didn’t have to worry about me, I felt like I wasn’t a burden to them. I reached a point where I no longer wanted to keep living this way. I was exhausted. I couldn’t go on anymore.”
No one saw how badly Fleur was really doing — not even her mother, Bianca, although she did sense that something wasn’t right. “I could see that Fleur wasn’t herself, but I underestimated how serious it really was.” Fleur no longer knew how to go on and gradually lost her grip on life. “When I said that I couldn’t go on living like this, my boyfriend at the time insisted that I really needed to seek help.”
Fleur signed herself up at Yes We Can believing it wouldn’t help anyway and that she wouldn’t be accepted. “In my mind, my problems weren’t as serious as someone else’s — I felt like I was overreacting. On top of that, previous support had always focused on just one aspect, while I knew there was much more going on. If Yes We Can didn’t work, I told myself I was allowed to die.”
“Having to let go of Fleur for ten weeks gave me peace of mind. I knew she was safe, and for a while I didn’t have to be ‘on’ all the time.”
That she was allowed to start treatment after her intake really hit home — for Fleur, but for her mother too. “To me, it felt like a gift,” Bianca explains. “Not because it was easy, but because at Yes We Can they looked at the whole picture and clearly named what we were struggling with. This was exactly what she needed.”
Letting go of each other for ten weeks was still nerve-racking. Yet Bianca honestly shares that it also brought her a sense of calm. “I knew she was safe at Yes We Can, that other people were taking care of her now. Before, I always felt like I had to be on standby — I had to be reachable at all times. If Fleur called, I had to answer.” For Fleur, the biggest challenge was letting go of control. “I always want to know exactly what’s going to happen, and I was curious about the kind of young people I would end up with there.”
The first weeks of Fleur’s treatment were mainly confronting. “For the first time, I felt like I was truly seen. I couldn’t keep pretending everything was fine anymore — I was completely exhausted. In group sessions, fellows often told me that it sounded exhausting to be me. Only when I realised they were right did change begin for me.” Slowly, Fleur found space to breathe. “I’ve learned that it’s okay when things aren’t going well for a while. I don’t have to do everything perfectly or keep everyone happy. Sometimes I disappoint someone — but tomorrow is a new day.”
“Sometimes I disappoint someone – but tomorrow is a new day.”
A process of change also began for Bianca. During the parent programme at Yes We Can, she was confronted with her own patterns and co-dependency. “I like to help others, often more than is actually good for me. I always believed you could never care too much or do too much for someone. At Yes We Can, I learned that caring too much for someone can also be unhelpful, and that I needed to take a small step back.”
Bianca gradually learned to let go of her daughter more and more. “I always wanted to be a safety net. Not letting my children fall, but catching them before they did — so I wouldn’t have to put a plaster on afterwards.” Those good intentions turned out to have the opposite effect on Fleur. “I felt like I wasn’t allowed to make mistakes or really fall flat on my face. My mum has changed so much now. She doesn’t always want to help me anymore — and that’s good, because I don’t always want her help. Sometimes I just want to say that things are shit or difficult, without immediately expecting solutions from her. When I do need help now, I’ll ask for it.”
The big changes in Fleur are visible and tangible. “I’m enjoying life again, and I can hardly imagine that I ever felt that bad.” Mother Bianca is incredibly proud too. “Fleur travelled to Mallorca on her own and took a job she found absolutely terrifying, because communicating with other people was something she really struggled with.” She smiles as she thinks back. “Fleur used to always stand at the back of a photo, always off to the side. Then we received a photo where she was standing beaming right in the centre. It might seem like a small detail to others, but for us it meant everything.”
“I’m enjoying life again, and I can hardly imagine that I ever felt that bad.”
Fleur’s life has taken a complete 180-degree turn since Yes We Can. She lives independently, is studying, and is building her own life. “A dip in life is allowed now, but the next day I carry on again. I’m so grateful to be happy again — that I can genuinely laugh and truly enjoy myself without it feeling forced.”
The bond between mother and daughter is also stronger than ever. “We talk to each other much more,” Bianca says. “And I now dare to simply be a mum, to set boundaries, without hovering over everything or always needing to be involved.” Fleur nods: “I no longer feel responsible for her emotions. I’m allowed to be myself. She now lets me get on with my own life, and because of that our relationship has become so much better.”
Are you struggling with mental health issues, addiction, or behavioural problems? Yes We Can Youth Clinics is here for you and your family. Register via our intake form or call us for more information on +31 (0)85 02 01 222. Yes You Can!
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